Look at me with the loaded question . In all of my relationships I end up withdrawing . I don't know if I have ever been left before .
Cheated on yes, but as a result I have had a changed perspective on how I view people in general. I now consciously believe we can not attempt to possess another person. I believe we meet people who light us on fire in ways that can not be imagined.
In the picture to the right - me in 2021 getting ready to climb aboard my deceased exes motor-cycle . We were going to ride until the morning just because we could and we did . That next few days after he ghosted me . I was not sure what had happened but with him the highs in life scared him.
I remember when he did not call that first day and on the third day I went to see him. He was in the couch , and had not done much for the last few days but sleep. I helped him rally, washed so many dishes , made a plate for him , opened windows and sat with him for a little while .
Eventually he told me to go home and I did . My feelings were hurt but I let it go . I felt like I did something wrong. Had I been a little more mature I would have recognized that this person was going through something so much greater than my feelings. Ultimately he would go to the river and literally put a bullet in his head. Which as traumatizing as this is to read was to realize .
The awareness of how little we can know what a person is living , feeling or thinking is that we must be more conscious of the inter workings and to be able to sort beyond what we feel to realize the full picture. If we can not know someone fully we can not love them through their suffering. In trapping people with our boundaries we are avoiding the ability to fully love and see someone as they truly are. With boundaries comes judgement and isolation, common tactics of abuse that open doors to the unseen doors of chaos .
Is it possible to have boundaries that protect our peace without harming others? That is my question . Is there a road where a lone wolf can make it's way home without the stigma of alienation ? Is there room at the table for the black sheep to sit with the saints and just be ?
The real question ...how can I have attachment without boundaries >? Is life always going to be another lonely night ? Will I always continue to prefer to be alone than to be real ? More questions and no full answers .
For now I leave you with hopes of peace and a willingness to appreciate the universe has it together .