It has been sometime since I last penned a page or posted here. I haven't left you dear readers!
I have definitely been distracted , preoccupied , procrastinating , going through a period of adjustment. I have moved, begun a new romance, started a few new side hustles, survived a massive tooth infection,embraced my inner chef , discovered new movies to love, realised who my friends are and begun to really enjoy life!
THE PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT
In December I spent some time getting clear with myself about my priorities. I realized I wanted monogamy, a partner ,a true love, to be a wife.
I also realised in order for that to happen I would have to have a major shift in priorities. I would have to date my job less and actually seriously date . I had been dates this last year with amazing people but not with the intention of being available on a serious level. It was fun , for romance, and yes sex. All of these things have been amazing and I wholly reccomend them for my single friends.
For those of us who are insane enough to want monagamy and committment being in an actual relationship is no joke. Now in the right relationship it is not all work but still some is necessary.
From the first moment I met him I had butterflies. He is handsome and kind. He is smart in a nerdy way. He also has OCD and is basically a man. I think at this point we have had some very real moments and while it might have been easier to run away in the past I keep my feet planted firmly on the ground. From the first date and the next kiss I knew he was the what that was missing in my life. The milk to my cherios ..the Bang Bang sauce to my shrimps. He is the whole bag of beans to my Mr. Coffee. I would like to think I am some of that and more to him.
We knew instantly that we wanted to be together. It was instant infatuation and so we became a couple. At least that is what I thought we wanted. There have been many days of laughter, kisses, cuddles ,plans for a potential future together. We even moved in together. All couldn't not have been more perfect.
I thought this was a case of two like minded individuals coming together in a way that was so organic it simply had to be meant to be. Until one evening after cards and some beers with our neighbors He said that this wasn't what he wanted and reality smacked me in the gut.
This would become the first weekend we weren't together and it be the first time in over a year that I would go to sleep crying my eyes out. I knew he loved me and so I was just confused about the why of his insecurity. Had he been lying all along? Was I some how so niave that I couldn't see it? Was there more wrong with him than he had willingly exposed?
MOVING WAY TOO FAST OR JUST FAST ENOUGH
In a relationship some might say great things take time , while others ride the wave of we are together through the best and the worst of it all. I would say that when we act on we mean things happen. I wonder if taking time to build a relationship makes a difference? Does the speed in which we act actually build a stronger foundation or does moving slower delay the inevitable?
If I had just continued to date and not move in would those doubts have dissapated or would they have continued to drag out and ultimately lead to an ending? The phrase "Hes just not that into you" comes to mind. I mean when someone wants and loves someone doesn't that person just claim them? While most of us come with emotional baggage does that need to be the thing that comes in between?
We at this point are still living together and dating . It is not the same though. There are new scars and damages. I wonder what the ultimate outcome will be.
Once again I feel like love hangs in the balance and I feel restless as I wonder what the outcome will be.
As I pause to write this and rewrite this I realised something. I too am just sorting it out. The idea that love is anything less than a battlefield seems insane. Along with that so is the idea of accepting it is.
I encourage you to love the one you are with. I also encourage you to be really honest. If you have doubt and you are not sure then wait. I do feel that approach would have lessened the heartache here.
Pour your selves another cup of whatever and enjoy this moment. Life comes with zero gaurantees ! This is the moment in which we exist and once it is spent there is no return of time. Make the most of it ! Perhaps that is the lesson?
In the mean time I remain ever yours - Joanie