Not All who wander are lost. That is until they are..

Updated: Oct 2, 2019

I don't know who said that for the first time , or if they realized that in spite of their hopeful out look on life unless you know where you are , you are kinda lost.

In my own experience I can think back to a time when at least I had a sense of where I was in life and what I wanted from it. I had fresh eyes,an unbroken heart, and a wild spirit. I was 17 and fearless. There were many things yet to discover , a world to experience and it all seemed magical .

Looking back at 17 year old me , I now realize just how lost I was about to become. I would wander even farther before I would begin to try to even find myself. I would go from thoughtful innocence and carefree days to careless and thoughtless in a matter of years.

I was lost looking for affection, love, appreciation and someone to call my own. I sacrificed pieces of myself for so many now absent from my present someones. I got lost in a sea of pot smoke and mirrors decorating bad barroom bathrooms as I drank away the losses and rejection. At first it was an unwelcome gift from the company I kept, but pretty soon it became my pattern and my choice.

I was doing what seemed to be the path of least resistance. It was so easy to bury myself in useless wast-less patterns of self destruction all in the name of feeling nothing .

Why?Facing the reality around me affected what was in me and I lacked the ability to cope or process those emotions. I moved forward without resolving the pain I was internalizing as a result of unfortunate and traumatic experiences.

My older brother molested my sisters, I witnessed it . I confronted him and and my parents only to be beaten and called a liar. I left that place and resolved to put an end to the abuse and terror my sisters were facing . I left that life with a bag of shoes and a copy Shakespeare

and his entire written collection.

I was fortunate enough to make a temporary home with strangers in a tiny mill town in upstate NY called Camden. I met kind and wonderful characters. I thought they would be my forever family and friends. Some are even to this day. Some not so much. They capitalized on their kindnesses for personal gain. I felt as though they exploited my suffering for the sake of their entertainment. When I failed to maintain perfection or chose people who weren't perfect or polished on the surface I was cast aside and as a result felt damaged.

I took these troubles with me. I went on with life without so much as a blink of an eye. I took a career that allowed me to bury myself in the troubles of others so that I did not have to face my own. I went into an abusive and controlling relationship where I'd convinced myself that this is what I deserved. 10 years of seclusion and emotional abuse. The here love, have this so I can control you manipulation. All of these experiences would contribute to later excuses for my inability to be in a normal healthy relationship. They would also contribute to the stage of life I call lost-wandering.

Enter the stages of not really knowing where I belonged or even being aware of it.

I was trapped in a career that was physically and emotionally taking a toll on my heart, mind ,body. I was avoiding relationships with friends and family alike. I am a socially awkward social antisocial individual. Or at least that is what I seemed to be.

Pressing forward I spent time in relationships that were pointless. I dated someone for a little bit after calling him"you look like my next mistake".To be fair he was just as lost but even more honest ..I was his next bad habit. We had fun but it was really just that.

I was barely showing up for my life obligations , late for work constantly and routinely called out when ever I could. That cost me a job . I went to do the same things somewhere else. This served as a wake up call. I was going through the motions but had no idea where the heck I really was or even a clue as to where I was going . I tried to switch up the routine, worked at night , took college classes during the day.

I think the people who stuck around regardless of how lost or disconnected I was really contributed to my taking steps in a less lost direction. Knowing that along the way there were people like my friends Deb, Megan, Amanda, Eli, Martine ,Tiffany , Michelle , Regina, Angela , Amber, Brittany, Donnie, Jessie, Vic,Cael, Chloe and all of the other good souls I would meet in the next chapter really gave me reason to try harder, live better . Seek to find myself. That itself is a story for another day my friends. Stay tuned ..Check your compasses , are you lost ? Do you need to find that sense of purpose or direction?

I can not promise to find the answers for you , but I am more than happy to hold up my candles to light the way. Keep looking ! Keep trying ! I am ...


#perspective #outlook #newlife

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