Updated: Jan 30, 2020
Hi friends and fellow readers! I know it has been a hot minute and a half since my last post! 27 days to be exact!
I had left off with a well intention-ed positive post about this would be my year of Y-E-S ! I have said yes to so many incredible experiences and moments. I had developed a gym routine and lost 8 lbs . I have started to achieve recognition for success in my career as an agent in Life-Insurance.I had joined a network of professional women who banded together for the sake of professional development.I was connecting with great women and actually loving it! I had also begun to deepen my connection with a few great girls on the job and we were becoming a collective of support and friendship. I have met incredible people and begun to really thrive.
What that actually looks like is early mornings full of reflection and focus. Late nights with tired feet and an over stimulated brain. Hyper social behavior externally left me wishing to completely withdraw internally.
I just wanted a break from the world noises and the fast paced buzz that came from all of these wonderfully exiting moments.While outside of my bubble I was thriving inwardly I began to face another factor of the Y-E-S reality. I was growing and my world at home was not growing with me. By that I mean the Mr. I once referred to as the husband person was being left behind and was not becoming an active part of my personal growth.
I had begun to leave him out of the positives and only shared the negative in the day to day. Eventually I had resentment for the fact that he was not only not present in my growth but he kept pulling me back to a negative mindset about myself. I know his intention was motivation but in the place where I longed for solace, comfort and peace he was pushing, interrupting my sleep and dismissive of my observations as to how disconnected we were becoming.The lack of respect for boundaries blew my mind and in my exhausted state it was entirely too damn much!
The environment left me feeling stifled and suffocated. I needed to remove the barriers and when this couldn't be done with him I decided it was time to move out. In order to keep up the momentum for my growth I needed to create the space I felt I no longer had. I had a hope that would be enough for me to start to breathe again. Fact- Separation hurts even if its your choice. Break-ups wake up unhealed wounds and the pettiness of it all just increases the frustration. Angry words and hurt feelings add to an already unhealthy environment.
N-O = no more of the bitterness and no more tolerance for emotions that are not serving me in a positive way. N-o - I stand up for myself even if it means standing alone. N-O = I say yes to me and sleep at peace and wake in such a state because I know I am doing the things I need to. Y-e-s = I am being selfish and yes I am leaving a partnership where we are no longer a collective.
I am fine with being independent and I know I have sacrificed so much more to be in that relationship. Just in the first week of being in a different space entirely I am so free. I am connecting once again with people who had arms open and ready to receive me with out judgement or question!
Why had I become disconnected from these valued and beautiful friends in the first place? Why were they not included in the progression of my relationship in the first place? I know that I had given myself to the priority of that relationship space thinking it would somehow be better for my relationship. In the end I am surrounded still by people who see my growth and love me. .
The fact is that when I listened inwardly I knew I needed to say no in order to keep saying yes, The idea is to grow and develop the parts of me that are still waiting to blossom.Was my husband person the cause? no , likely not. Rather it was just me needing to recognize the changes I needed to make in order to continue growth. Why couldn't I do that where I was? I don't have an answer for that . What I do know is my No is a continuation of yes to me!! I can not wait to see what comes next as I live out the next days of my story!
Of this experience I receive that listening to my own voice first and foremost is vital to my own inner peace. Ignoring that led to unnecessary tribulation, internal limitation . It is hard to be unhappy and even harder to take action. However not impossible and as of now I am connected to who I am without limitation of another persons expectations. From my gut to my heart I still can not see the future but I have peace surroun