February has become March and as I rewind the month of chaos I had created for myself I realized I was definitely on a walk about. I left behind what I thought would be the last of starting over and I am still at it
Starting over I mean. .The long days have slowed down and if I am not in the office I am on the road six days a week doing my damnedest to deliver and explain benefits. I have protected 23 families and attempted to protect a few jerks who either lied about who they were or just straight up treated me as though I were some kind of creep. I had one lady close my laptop and tell me to kick rocks. I have had policies cancel and learned the art of the dreaded charge-back. That is when a policy cancels after being paid for it and having to eat the cost out of my own pocket.
At this point I am fed up with the struggle that life feels like and I am exhausted from the superficial shit . I am ready for a normal in life that does not feel so isolating and even more I have not been feeling well. Between the inability to sleep and the fact that my soon to be former room mate put his hands on me has me afraid to come home at night ..
If it were not for my colleagues and a few good friends and the long talks with my little brother Josh back in NY I don't know how I am keeping it together. The loneliness is palpable at times. I am going to see about an apartment tomorrow and hopefully I will find a sense of peace in my solitude. I know I just need to keep moving forward.
I went to look at a few place today. The first one is beautiful and in a nice neighborhood but way out of any realistic price range. The second is a room that rents by the week and smells like a Grateful dead concert back in the nineties. It has a window and a bathroom with a weird communal shower situation..The third place in a project type complex with shoes hanging on the power lines. I know what I need to do so I put the deposit on haven #2 and now I am heading out for some boxes and to pack my belongings. I hope to be moved in by tomorrow but this headache and achy feeling has me feeling like death.
As I packed up my things I looked through old journals and photos from back when we used to take actual pictures with actual cameras. I see memories from a few life times ago and I resolve to make more of those same memories.
Three trips over the highway and a dozen more up and down the stairs as I am moving into my new space and I am thinking I am definitely on my way to becoming a minimalist. The less I own the next go round the better. Its still a thousand degrees in here and all I want to do is sleep .. I need to go hit up the little clinic and see why I am feeling so shitty?
A long conversation with my brother as I am driving myself over the highway keeps me focused on the road and conscious . He is a funny dude and he is a huge part of my heart right now. I vaguely remember the tone of the conversation. His laughter keeps me smiling in spite of wanting to cry.
I remember the conversation turned into a long one and as I moved the last of my things into the apartment that I barely put the sheet on my bed and passed out..
I woke up soaked in sweat and knew this was not just stress or a cold or a period from hell.
I guess it is time to roll out of bed and take responsibility for my health. Time to go see the doctor..I waited for went felt hours to see the Nurse Practitioner and for a strep and flu test.
The waiting room was noisy and it was crowded..I looked like yesterdays leftovers after the hangover and being left out on the side walk for one day longer than leftovers should be.I remember a little kid trying to get his mothers attention and wishing she would do something to quiet his obsessive antics.
A few hours later....Flu -A ,the name of whats been making me feel so terrible . My life is in boxes and now I am waiting for the pharmacy to fill my prescription for Tami-flu and calling the office to let them know I will not be in for the next few days. I am making a bee line for my pillow and then I do not remember what happened .
I had woke up early in the afternoon to a text message from Martin . He is both friend and fearless GA at the office . He texted me to ask me what I needed and delivered me a box of juices and chicken and soups and water.. He kindly told me in his beautiful eastern European accent that "You look like shit"! and to get better.. I will always remember that act of kindness as he dropped the stuff on my porch and ran away.
Over whelmed and still feeling like death I slowly carried the kindness box up to my room and cried a little bit. It was such a heartfelt gesture and nothing makes a sick soul feel better than some chicken noodle soup. I warmed the soup and contemplated how I would pay the kindness forward.
That day turned into a week ..I slept so much , I did not know it was possible to sleep like that ..Between my hours of sleep I spent time hanging out on the phone with my brother and our friend Beaux. Our conversations were full of banter and mischief and sometimes just listening to the two of them go back and forth helped me to smile through the misery.
Some where between their hysterical conversation I found myself joining the foolishness and began to get drawn further into the mischief. It was a wonderful reprieve from fever and body aches and head aches that felt as though they were never going to leave me..
Some where between mischief and mayhem I began to feel a little less miserable . I think that the hours spent laughing with the fellas really helped me to keep my head straight in between the week of misery.
What's more is that through the course of our conversations is that Beaux and I have become very close considering he is somewhere in Arizona and I am here in Louisville Kentucky. Our conversations have become quite frequent and we seem to have an incredibly strong connection in spite of the distance between us. I think this week proved to be more than just a week of illness .
March 18 ,2020
The art work above arrives in the mail via amazon from Beaux . What a thoughtful house warming gift..Really what a thoughtful heart warming gesture. For the world it might just be beautiful art work but for me it was really touching. We had had a conversation about a view similar to this a few days prior to its arrival . I was talking about how I wanted to wake up to a view similar to this and to have two cups of coffee in hand to share with some one.
I really almost cried again remembering my reaction to this thoughtful action /gesture. I am sitting here and thinking of that very moment as I recall it ..
I may have missed 7 or 8 days of work but what I would gain in those hours of being sick would be far more precious than anything.
With my health returning and getting back to reality I would find myself returning to a world where social distancing and self quarantine would be the new normal. The world is changing rapidly and I was asleep or other wise unaware of the dramatic changes we are now facing .
Within a crazy world and even with the chaos I am grateful for family and friends and friendships that grow and blossom to become something significantly more meaningful than I had even begun to imagine.
To my Brother Josh and to Beaux even as I write this now I am grateful for our chaotic ramblings and for lingering conversations . I do so love and appreciate you both!
To my readers and friends I would implore you to reach out to those that a near and far ..The thing is you never know what you may learn or find or how you might be making a difference or even what connections are waiting to be unearthed and treasured . Don't miss this!
Be well and stay beautiful friends!!